GARY WALKER
According to a recent news report in our ever vigilant media, Noah’s ark has been found once again. The eminent Ark-eologist, Spade Digsmore, has just returned from Turkey with yet another piece of wood that can only be from Noah’s ark. According to professor Digsmore, the piece of wood survived for 4,500 years because it was pressure treated.
Now I know that scoffers will ridicule the idea of a world wide flood reaching fifteen cubits (Gen. 7;20) above the tops of all the mountains of the world. That’s about five miles of water. But verily, the Bible warns us that there will be scoffers in the last days (2 Peter 3:3), thus their very scoffing proves Bible truth.
Some may wonder how a man who was 600 years old (Gen. 7:6) managed to get all those animals, (dinosaurs, polar bears?) on board the love boat. But the flood story has to be true because Jesus (God’s other son, before Ronald Reagan) mentions it in both inspired books of Matthew and Luke. True believing Fundagellicals know that Jesus also mentioned other Bible truths like Lot’s wife being turned into a pillar of salt, naked Adam and Eve, Jonah and the fish story, and of course King David (Who once saw the Bible God riding on a flying cherub—2 Sam. 22:11). There is even a genealogy (Luke #3) of Jesus that goes all the way back to Adam. (Don’t read the one in Matthew, #1, it’s totally different, a trick of Satan who knows scripture.) Anyway, the genealogy in Luke mentions Noah (Noe) and proves that evolution is a lie.
So, on board the ark were the 600 year old Noah and his three 100 year old sons, Shem, Ham, and Japeth, and their three wives who remain nameless because afterall they were only women. Someone had to clean up after all those animals. And of course there was Noah’s wife. The Bible didn’t give her a name either, but Spade Digsmore discovered on Mt. Ararat a high school yearbook, wrapped in a shroud, from the class of 2500 BC with her picture and name. It was Joan. Joan of Ark. Beside the year book was a box of tea bags and a loaded rifle. Those citizenship papers, and birth certificates were “left behind” to die with their grandmothers.
The best part of this true Bible story is that during Noah’s ocean cruise, the Bible god killed all the other people on the planet because they were wicked. He even killed all the animals, including the cuddly bunny rabbits who must have been wicked too. That is a feat not even Hitler or Stalin accomplished. Curiously, the wickedness must have been caused by the “giants” and the other “sons of God” (Gen. 6:4), who saw the “daughters of men.” The women didn’t have burkas on so the “sons of God” couldn’t help themselves, and well, you know what happened next. “The wickedness of man was great in the earth,” and according to professor Digsmore, it was so bad that the people had socialized mediSin, and they watched a lot of Jane Fonda movies.
And so it came to pass, the ark ran out of gas and landed on a hill. Noah and his sons wasted no time growing grapes and producing a lot of wine that must have been pretty good because Noah drank of the wine and passed out in his tent bare assed naked (Gen. 9:21). Then they got down to the business of being fruitful and multiplying. Unfortunately, after the flood the people were just as wicked as the people who had been left behind. So what was the point, you ask? Perhaps professor Digsmore will find out someday. Amen.