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If Ann Coulter was 30,000 Years More Evolved, She’d be a Dung Beetle

by WILLIAM HARWOOD

There have been many claimants to Joseph McCarthy’s title of the most evil rabid canine American politics has ever produced, obviously including George W. Bush and his Christian Taliban, as well as the entire staff of the Republicanazi Propaganda Network that prefers to call itself Fox News.¹

Ann Coulter is at the very least, a serious contender, since she epitomizes the instrinsic meaning of “evil rabid canine.” She is as permeated with theofascism as Tomás de Torquemada, as contemptuous of democracy as Joseph Stalin, and she has the compassion of Attila the Hun and the redeeming social value of Adolf Hitler. There is something terribly wrong with a law-code that permits such genetic aberrations to interbreed with human beings. On the upside, since she has never done so, or even obtained a breeding license (although she has contracted more than one engagement), maybe a millennia of diverging evolution has made such hybridization so impossible that a legal prohibition is unnecessary. If that is the situation, would installing her missing 30,000 years of evolution turn her into a human being? Or, given how much evolution has always depended on random mutations and their adaptive value, would she be something else altogether?

Ann Coulter can only be evaluated on the basis of her own words and actions. That has led Richard Dawkins² to suggest that she was not a real person but, “a spoof invented by The Onion.” Her response was that, if she was really a liberal humanist who set out to discredit the Republicanazi Gestapo by satirizing it, she failed miserably. Pardon me if I disagree.

Coulter revealed her hatred of the morally evolved in the words, “There is no plausible explanation for the Democrats’ behavior than that they long to see the U.S. troops shot, humiliated, and driven from the field of battle.” She averred that, “Even Islamic terrorists don’t hate America like liberals do.” She denounced the “22 million Americans on food stamps” and the “39 million geezers collecting Social Security,” and made clear that she believes persons who have no means of feeding themselves should be allowed to starve to death. She declared that, “I think that the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a television spectator sport … and sending liberals to Guantanamo.”

Coulter describes herself as, “a Christian first and a mean-spirited bigoted conservative second.” Interviewed on CNBC, she told a Jewish questioner that Christianity is a virtue, that Christians are perfected Jews, and that Jews should be Christians. Elsewhere she said of Muslims, “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.” In other words, adherents of a religion that has murdered less than one million “infidels” should be converted to a religion that has murdered fifty million “heretics” in its Crusades, Inquisition, and genocidal Holocausts. As Christians, they would then presumably be taught to pray to that champion of Christian purity, Saint Hitler.

On the subject of Arab Muslims murdering black Muslims, she asks, “Who’s running this holocaust in Darfur, FEMA? This is truly a war in which we have absolutely no interest.” Her attitude toward the Canadian Liberal government that refused to join George W. Bush’s war of personal glorification against Iraq was that Canadians “better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent.” And just to prove that she is an equal opportunity ethnic cleanser, she pontificated, “I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning.”

Despite her claim that her behavior is motivated by a commitment to Christianity, Coulter is not slow to acknowledge that she violates Christian teachings when it suits her purpose. She told Geraldo Rivera, “Let’s say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I’m not married.” A line from Hamlet comes to mind: “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Why would a woman of forty who has never been married and boasts of being a taboo-observing Christian make a point of implying that she enjoys sexual intercourse with men? A red herring perhaps?

Coulter is a self-confessed creationist, the species from which, according to the Koran,³ apes evolved. Her confession of ignorance includes the statement, “I would like evolution to join the roster of other discredited religions, like the Cargo Cult of the South Pacific.”*Her calling evolution a religion should surprise no one who is aware that one of her books is titled, Godless: The Church of Liberalism. And her Republicanazi dogma that environmental protection and global warming should be ignored in favor of leaving the problem to her deus ex machina is justified in the words, “The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man’s dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so.” She clarifies, “Our book is Genesis. Their book is Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring, the original environmental hoax.”

She is also a self-confessed McCarthyist. She wrote that, “For all of their love of conspiracy theories — the rigging of the 2000 election, vote suppression in Ohio in 2004 …they laughed it off like world-weary skeptics and dedicated themselves to slandering Joe McCarthy … one of the greatest patriots in American history.” Compared to Coulter’s pretence that the overthrow of the Constitution in 2000 and 2004 to make a Republicanazi president even though he was defeated on both occasions is a “conspiracy theory,” her endorsement of Low Joe Blow is a minor violation of rational human thought.

As an opponent of freedom of religion, freedom of the press, and freedom of speech, Coulter acknowledges that, “I am not a big fan of the First Amendment.” She has no awareness that, without the First Amendment, she would already be confined to a mental asylum for the term of her natural life. She is also no fan of court-ordered school desegregation. She writes, “Few failures have been more spectacular. Illiterate students knifing one another between acts of sodomy in the stairwell.” Equal opportunity or respect for African Americans? Not in Coulter’s universe. She also blames school shootings on “idiotic Gun-Free school Zone” laws that deprive Republicnazis of their inherent right to own devices that have no purpose but killing people.

Coulter considers women too stupid to be allowed to vote, an evaluation no doubt based on what she sees in the mirror. She thinks that, “it would be a much better country if women did not vote,” because, “if women were not allowed to vote, there would never be another Democratic president.” She sees such a guarantee of permanent theofascist phallusocracy as desirable.

She hates media she considers liberal: “My only regret is that Timothy McVeigh did not go to the New York Times.” When the ultra-reactionary National Review cancelled her column as too fascist even for them, she called the editorial staff “censorious girly boys.” When Senator John Edwards dared express views she considered too morally evolved, she went a step further and called him a “faggot.” And when four 9/11 widows critized the Iraq war, Coulter’s response was, “I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much.”

Coulter has only praise for Kenneth Starr, a scum-sucking bottom feeder who gives other Thuggs a bad name. Not surprisingly, she also heaps unstinting praise on the theocrat who is the most unparalled war criminal in American history, as well as the USA’s most prolific serial killer, with 154 ritualistic revenge murders on his resume. Anyone who could write that, “Liberal sneers about President Bush’s intelligence suddenly abated …because of the indisputable fact that Bush was a magnificient leader,”**already has a lot in common with a dung beetle.

Very few humans revel in excrement. Dung beetles do, and Ann Coulter does. There is no way to forecast in which direction natural selection will divert a specific organism. But from the reasonable interpretation that Coulter’s verbal diarrhea is a product of her evolution, it is a logical inference that, since immersion in excrement appears to be as much a survival factor for Coulter as it is for the dung beetle, an additional 30,000 years of reinforcement of that factor could cause her to evolve in the same direction. Of course, by the same reasoning she could become a tape worm, a crab louse, or an AIDS virus. But dung beetle is the most plausible educated guess.

Coulter’s books have sold hundreds of thousands of copies, providing clear proof that hundreds of thousands of Americans are dangerous moral retards. The latest collection of her vomit has the title (translated into nonpolitical English), If the Fully Evolved Had Any Brains, They Would be Evolutionary Throwbacks.

1 sources: Anncoulter.com Wikipedia.org; en.wikiquote.org; Washingtonmonthly.com; Jewishworldreview.com; humanevents.com; Keith Olberman, The Worst Person in the World—And 202 Strong Contenders.

2 The God Delusion, page 228.

3 2:65

*Godless: The Church of Liberalism.

** Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right.

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